Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Interview with Jackie Chan –By Ryan the Racist Interviewer

RRI - So J-star, you don’t mind if I call you that do you?

Jackie- I don’t know what you are after, but I have connections in high places. You’ll regret doing this.

RRI- J-star it is. So J-star, just to get an idea of who you are; If you were a soup, what kind would you be?

Jackie- ….

RRI- Let me rephrase. If you could kill all the whales in the world, would you?

Jackie- …i…don’t

RRI- Alright, alright that was a loaded question I know. What’s it like in Japan?

Jackie- I’ve heard it’s a beautiful island. Now can you please loosen this rope?

RRI- HAHAHA, that’s rich! Sounding like you’ve never been… And your favourite type of sushi?

Jackie- I’m more of a Dim Sum fan. I have money, is it money you want?

RRI- What I want is for some goddamn straight answers! So how was your country affected when they defeated Russia in 1905.

Jackie- I’M CHINESE YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

RRI rises slowly and starts to remove his belt.

Jackie- oh fuck oh fu…you english all crazy! Like pulp fiction!

Remaining silent, RRI places the belt on the coffee table.

RRI- Then WHY does it SAY you’re Japanese on Wikipedia??

TRUSTING THE INFORMATION FOUND ON WIKIPEDIA CAN CAUSE GREAT MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hoe VS Dozer - Brody the Doodler



Hoe beats Dozer.

Monday, April 12, 2010

पोस्टी post - Tyler

The main reason for my lack of contribution to this blog is my inability to write something that makes sense. Holy shit, I did it! Well then... this is the start of me posting regularly.

Aaaaanyway, what do you all think of school? For me, I've been able to say "I'm in school" for the past five years, while learning barely anything! I almost have a degree in economics! but I don't know shit about it! So Tyler, why....

Now I have run out of ideas. And am slipping back to "not make sense" mode. So I will leave it there.

Actually, one final thought. I was thinking about that song, Chop Suey, by SOAD. You know the one. I wonder, why does the lead singer ask the question, "Why'd you leave the kids up on the table?" with such anger? Obviously, this isn't the first time the person (or whatever this thing he's talking to is--his wife?? an alien life form?? His Philippinno nanny??) has left the kids up on the table. Otherwise, we'd be listening to a song that is more soft-rockish than metal. Like, Celine Dion for example. Whyyyyyyyy'd you leeeeeave the kiiiids uponnnn the table? That kind of song would almost make me cry. Why? WHYYYYYY? System of a Down makes me feel angry. Like I think, GODDAMMIT!! Why DID he leave the kids upon the table??? WHY WHY WHY??? FUCK FUCK FUCK...and so on, for about thirty minutes after I first hear the song. In any case, I am at least glad the lead singer of that band is a responsible parent. Possibly an abusive husband, but still a responsible parent. Celine Dion is ugly, and therefore could never be responsible. She looks so weak she probably wouldn't pick up a kid to put it on a table, let alone leave it there.

Anyway, that is all.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Love Happens - Dating Service


64 yr old male.

I enjoy walking in the rain, smelling my neighbours flowers, playing chess, watching others play chess, following people home, exercising at the local gym, hiding in bushes.


Seeking a female of any age. Open to the joys of life and trying new things. Likes taking orders and being tied down. Enjoys pets, especially dogs.
/

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

History of the World – by Jon

14000 MYA - Big Bang: Formation of the Universe
4600 MYA - Formation of Earth
543 MYA - 65 MYA – Boring Geological Time Periods
5 MYA – 2500 BC – Stone Age: The Human Era
70000 BC – 8000 BC – Ice Age: Extinction of Large Mammals
9000 BC – 4500 BC – Neolithic: First Permanent Settlements
3200 BC – 1200 BC – Bronze Age: First Pharaohs
1200 BC – 332 BC – Iron Age Start of the Trojan War
332 BC – 63 BC – Hellenistic Period
63 BC – 476 – Roman Period
330 – 1453 – Byzantine Period
476 – 1350 – Middle Ages
1350 – 1600 – Renaissance
1500 – 1600 – Reformation
1600 – 1800 - Enlightenment
1750 – 1900 – Industrial Revolution
1900 – 2000 – 20th Century
(2007 – Lululemon athletica inc.)
(2009 - Beginning of The Four Writters Period)
2000 – 2010 – 21st Century

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

थिस इस कांफुसिंग... वही इस थिस पोस्ट इन अर्य्बिक??? -बी रयान


Ok so the title is in Arabic. I don't know why but it is.. my work computer seems to have a mind of its own..
The title says "this is confusing... why is this in Arabic?" but what I wanted to say was something like; "Little weird things i do. - By Ryan"


I felt like sharing the only thing I do which could be considered obsessive compulsive.
Whenever I finish showering, I turn the water off, then pull up the metal plug which divides the bath and shower. I don't have to do this but when i do it, the water that was already in the pipes makes its way out of the bath faucet, and makes a satisfying *thump*thump*thump* in the bath tub. The first few times I did this, i was very satisfied with my new routine and every time I did this I would think "this is very satisfying".
The bizarre thing is that now I don't even enjoy doing this. I don't get any satisfaction out of doing this action at all, but I continue because of habit. Whats more bizarre is that every time I do this, without fail, I think "this is very satisfying" EVEN WHEN IT FUCKING ISNT.

I suppose this is something that is not deadly, or bad for my health. It just worries me that the next time I eat chicken salad, I might be triggered to punch a baby. Or next time I punch a baby, I might be triggered to eat the baby.

lets hope my problem stays under control.

Happy Birthday - Brody the Doodler



I don't know who has a birthday today, but if it is yours, then happy birthday to you. I hope you have a great pharaohking day.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Clubbing Tips - Brody the Writter


I'm not old by any means, but I'm also not young. I know thats a vague statement, but you just need to gather that I am old enough to think clubbing is for alcoholics and high school students. Having said that, on certain days I fit into one of those categories and through my infinite wisdom I've acquired many skills that I feel I must share.


Tip #1 - How to order a drink at the bar

One of the worst parts about clubbing, aside from the sexual frustration of leaving the club alone, is standing at the bar like a tool, waiting to order a drink. This process can take up to 15 minutes, which is a long time to stand in one place looking like a tool. There's the epic torture of making it to the front of the line only to be squeezed out as thousands upon thousands of 17 and a half year old girls with fake IDs push you to the back again. There is however a solution. Fake a handicap.
Different handicaps come in handi in different situations. My new personal favourite is to feign being mute. The first drink will take a little bit of work to order. When the lovely bartendress requests your order, you must stay in character and stare at her with wandering glazed eyes, not a word to speak. She will become irritated and insistent. Give her some fancy looking hand signals to keep her attention and have a friend tell her the great news, that you are unable to speak; also pass on your drink order. As a bartendress, she is trained not to feel empathy; however, being that you are most likely the only mute at the bar, she will remember you and your drink of choice. Anytime you have to come back to refill your tipsy tank, it will only require a casual glance and hand gesture and your drink will be poured before you've even time to reach for your wallet.

Tip #2 - Talking to girls

This tip is for the guys, if you're a girl wondering how to talk to the handsome chaps, don't worry about. All you have to do is look at us and start making a bunch of goofy faces and we will fall in love with you. All dudes are attracted to girls who act goofy. It's a rule.

First of all, don't blow your cover as a mute. Do all your talking out of earshot and out of sight from the lovely bartendress. I find talking to anybody to be a chore. Conversations are boring and overrated. That's why you need to spice it up. Save everybody the pain of talking about the same old shit. A good idea is to watch a popular chick flick before going out. Something like "P.S I Love You". Then find someone who looks like Hilary Skank and role play the movie out as if you were Gerry and she's Holly.
"You look like Holly from P.S I love you"
"I'm sorry I said the wrong thing to your mother. God, I still get nervous around her. I still think after nine years she doesn't like me. I know I'm being stupid"
Hopefully she responds with "No you're not being stupid baby. She doesn't like you" and not "Get the fuck away from me you creep".

Tip #3 - Ending the night

No matter what happens or how the night goes there is only one way to end it. Join the crowd of lost and desolate drunks as they exit the bar, but when they are all zig zagging towards the frenzied cabbies, you walk over to the pony rail and untie your horse, then ride off into the city streets.

I guess this isn't really a tip or something that is easily doable, but it sure would be cool.

End of tips... for now.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Roger the stray cat - by Jon

The evening was cool and the streets were still. Roger sat silently atop a heap of deformed cardboard boxes, his gaze fixed on an owner picking through garbage some distance from him. Roger never understood or appreciated the value of bottles despite the profound interest by the owners. Bottles are difficult to grip, inedible, too geometric, and often make frightenly loud noises when dropped. They lack the reciprication when pawing, a trait favoured in mice and birds. Yet, to Rogers persistent amazement, the owners were facinated with them, collected them, even fought for them.
Roger lept gracefully from the boxes onto the cool concreate ground. This was the best time of day. The usual bustling activity of the city was muted creating an environment ripe for scavanging and exploring.
Roger stalked down the concreate path. This location, between two steel monoliths, had proven fruitful in the past. The owners, in spite of their penchant for inedible bottles, frequently tossed spicey treats through large doors onto the streets. However, it was no easy pickings by any means. Dogs, mice, birds, and other cats would gather and fight over the owners gift.
Roger knew some of the cats, many of them local, but none worthy of company. A few were travelers who had owners. They stuck out from the rest: clean, well groomed, often flaunting impressive furs, yet a prissy and distasteful attitude. Roger desired them, wanted to be them, he wanted to be owned. He often watched owned cats and relished their lifestyles; playing with mice and birds all day without feeling the need to eat, but instead presenting them as gifts to the owners; small owners cuddling and petting, not throwing stones. Maybe one day, such a scenerio would come true for Roger.
Roger gracefully makes a bend bearing towards the end of the alley where the metal food door lay in wait, cracked open. A thin stream of light was cast on the cement below illuminating treats. Roger's heart beating ever faster, his mouth salivating ever more with each approaching paw. It had occured to Roger that obtaining treats recently had been easier and easier. There were less dogs and fellow cats to fight with in past days, not that it was a concern to Roger, after all he was fit and very sneaky.
Tonight something was amiss though.
The treats were arranged in a tidy fashion, not splayed randomly everywhere like what was common. What really stood out was the presence of the door owner who stood silently against the wall, an empty bag in hand.
Roger thought nothing else of it, the spicey treats were too enticing. Besides, maybe the owner would offer a pet, maybe a toy.
Roger descended upon the spicey treats, his second last meal.
..........................................................
The McNabb's were a middle class, hardworking family with two beautiful, smart children. Michael, the youngest, was entitled to a dinner on the town from his parents (which he rightfully accepted) due to his diligence and hard work in english class - he wrote a poem entitled The nine lives of cats: The dog years which he recieved an A- on. From the multitude of potential resturants, Michael chose Wing Tan's fine Chinese, his favorite.
The ginger beef arrived late, sparking disapproval and a rude remark from the father, Frank, towards the server. However, it was transitory and the family cheer quickly returned to base line. Michael enjoyed the ginger beef, although rather chewy and of odd consitency, he was in too good a mood to led that get to him.
The McNabb's didn't tip.
..........................................................
It looks like Roger the stray cat found a loving and caring family after all.

The Three Writters - 4:00 am, who could it be? Noj???

Texting.
A god-send to society. Now you can receive without a COD; we send you a message; sincere, inquisitive, thoughtful, and at times polite - "at times, personal disposition may weigh".
(Directorial (as in dictionary) response: an answer or reply, as in words or action).
To the contrary, at times, texts (or lack there of) may belie the aforementioned definition.