Clubbing Tips - Brody the Writter

I'm not old by any means, but I'm also not young. I know thats a vague statement, but you just need to gather that I am old enough to think clubbing is for alcoholics and high school students. Having said that, on certain days I fit into one of those categories and through my infinite wisdom I've acquired many skills that I feel I must share.

Tip #1 - How to order a drink at the bar

One of the worst parts about clubbing, aside from the sexual frustration of leaving the club alone, is standing at the bar like a tool, waiting to order a drink. This process can take up to 15 minutes, which is a long time to stand in one place looking like a tool. There's the epic torture of making it to the front of the line only to be squeezed out as thousands upon thousands of 17 and a half year old girls with fake IDs push you to the back again. There is however a solution. Fake a handicap.

Different handicaps come in handi in different situations. My new personal favourite is to feign being mute. The first drink will take a little bit of work to order. When the lovely bartendress requests your order, you must stay in character and stare at her with wandering glazed eyes, not a word to speak. She will become irritated and insistent. Give her some fancy looking hand signals to keep her attention and have a friend tell her the great news, that you are unable to speak; also pass on your drink order. As a bartendress, she is trained not to feel empathy; however, being that you are most likely the only mute at the bar, she will remember you and your drink of choice. Anytime you have to come back to refill your tipsy tank, it will only require a casual glance and hand gesture and your drink will be poured before you've even time to reach for your wallet.

Tip #2 - Talking to girls

This tip is for the guys, if you're a girl wondering how to talk to the handsome chaps, don't worry about. All you have to do is look at us and start making a bunch of goofy faces and we will fall in love with you. All dudes are attracted to girls who act goofy. It's a rule.

First of all, don't blow your cover as a mute. Do all your talking out of earshot and out of sight from the lovely bartendress. I find talking to anybody to be a chore. Conversations are boring and overrated. That's why you need to spice it up. Save everybody the pain of talking about the same old shit. A good idea is to watch a popular chick flick before going out. Something like "P.S I Love You". Then find someone who looks like Hilary Skank and role play the movie out as if you were Gerry and she's Holly.

"You look like Holly from P.S I love you"

"I'm sorry I said the wrong thing to your mother. God, I still get nervous around her. I still think after nine years she doesn't like me. I know I'm being stupid"

Hopefully she responds with "No you're not being stupid baby. She doesn't like you" and not "Get the fuck away from me you creep".

Tip #3 - Ending the night

No matter what happens or how the night goes there is only one way to end it. Join the crowd of lost and desolate drunks as they exit the bar, but when they are all zig zagging towards the frenzied cabbies, you walk over to the pony rail and untie your horse, then ride off into the city streets.

I guess this isn't really a tip or something that is easily doable, but it sure would be cool.

End of tips... for now.