Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Golden Racket - Ryan BB shenanigans

Nayr Hoosyodad picked the squash ball up from the court, it was still hot from last game. Bouncing it a few times on the floor, Nayr watched as his opponent, Kahn Kahnoor stepped onto the court. Even though his slightly disfigured face naturally conveyed the expression of a frown, Kahns scowl was unmistakable. Kahn had wanted a clean sweep of the best of five match; 3 straight. But the games were now tied 2-2.
Didn't go exactly as planned, did it Kahn? Thought Nayr. He had won the last two games, and by God he was going to win game 5 too.
"Serve Nayr, your choice" instructed the Referee, meaning he could choose which side of the court to serve from. Apparently the ref was eager to start. The audience sat silently in anticipation. Even the children playing up front had stopped to look. The golden racket was within his grasp if he could just pull off one more win.
"At your leisure, Mr. Hoosyodad!" called out the irritated ref.
"ALRIGHT! ITS NOT MY FAULT THIS WRITTER IS BEING SO FUCKING DESCRIPTIVE" Replied the equally irritated Nayr.

Editors note:
I want to go further with this, however not now. So i guess this is just part one.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Excerpts from Merlon's Journal in the Village of Shouldice- Ryan BB shenanigans

Fourth day of Aprile,One Thousand One Hundred and Nine.

Woe be my tormented soul, for my life now is devoid of even simple pleasures. My talks with the local Alchemist (Alchi be his name) have become curt and without merriment upon late. It seems the deal with the crab people has applied to him as well, forcing him to sacrifice both his son, Jorst, and his younger daughter, Susan. In past times, Alchi always would laugh with childish delight upon seeing me remove my thumb from my hand, only to put it back seconds later. This morning when I did this, he simply put his head back into his hands and continued weeping. It seems my attempts to make this town happy are futile.

Alas, I have discovered ways in which to occupy my time while my town is dealing with present misfortunes. Months ago, I sent the local guard to search the southern hills of Coors for semi precious rocks (I have heard that some of these rocks hold mystical properties). Only recently did the guard return (some of them anyway) but more importantly carrying the rocks. Over the past few days my harem has helped place these rocks in my garden, creating pathways for which to view my rhododendrons and calla lilies. The sheer magnitude of my genius can be understood when viewing the garden from my tower, for when viewed, the rocks form the shape of my bust! Though these semi precious minerals are now put to good use, I hesitate to write that the original purpose of this minor expedition has been forgotten. I trust that you will keep this information secret.
I shall write soone,
Merlon

Below is a rough sketch of my rock bust;

Monday, April 26, 2010

Giant Milk Glass -- Brody the Doodler





Scabies Outbreak in Northern Alberta! - Brody the Writter


It's all happening! The outbreak has started and now we're all going to die. It has been foolishly suggested that most people with scabies scratch themselves to death, but this is absolute, absurd, ba-lony. "Scabbers" as they are more commonly known, scratch other people to death. The scabies parasite burrows into a hosts skin and attaches to the brain stem. It then takes control of the person and turns them into blood hungry monsters. Scabbers are easily spotted and should be vigorously avoided. Their eyes are pure blood red with dilated pupils and their fingers eventually fall off so they can grow large claws.

"Day Scabbers" are generally very feeble and pose little threat. If you encounter a Day Scabber you can use any small stick to shoo them away. They tend to be more of a pest then anything else. "Night Scabbers", however, are dangerously sneaky and they have very strong claw muscles. If they don't manage to scratch you to death it won't matter, because just one scratch and you'll become Scabber yourself (in 4-6 weeks).

An investigation into the outbreak traced it back to a single man, Franz Peppers. It's not known how he origanally caught the scabies parasite, but it is known that he frequently uses his towel to whip other men in public showers. Franz refused to be interviewed, but he did tell us it is a huge deal and someone has got to fix this before it's too late.

Thith ith a huge deal and thomeone hath got to fixeth thith before it'th too late, ahhh! (girlie scream)


Photo www.veryworrying.com

Friday, April 23, 2010

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull; pre and post production- By Ryan










Friday the 23rd - Brody the Writter

Today is friday. I am sitting here waiting for things to fall into place. I have clothes in the dryer and clothes in the wash, they need to hurry up and get clean. I have shit to do and they are taking their sweet ass time. I have a speeding ticket I need to pay that has recently expired. Maybe they will forget about me and I can just keep ignoring to pay it. Fucking money hungry cops. I also have to take my car to the tire shop so they can earn some money. Summer tires mean even more speeding tickets, ahhhh. If I was a speed cop I would arrest myself for being such a douche. Don't get me wrong I don't hate all police, I know some I happen to like quite a lot, but the ones who have to pull me over in order to have a conversation are clingy and annoying.
Let's see, what else. Well, first of all I don't know why I'm talking about myself as if this is an actual blog, but I've lost my fictional writing inspiration lately. So, what else should you know about my personal business... Let's see, I'm training to become the world's 2nd greatest squash player. I figure if I get good enough I can play the first greatest player, and then once he/she beats me I'll make up business cards saying I'm the "2nd greatest".
If you have never played squash you either don't know what it is, or assume it's a lame sport for old people who are too out of shape to play a real sport, like dodgeball. Well, you are fucking wrong, and dodgeball is a game for school children! Screw you for assuming that, why would you even force me to write such an absurd comment. Squash is a sport of kings and queens and all in betweens. Stop knocking it until you try it, you will be hooked.

here's a little inspiration for all you little giggly love bunnies:



That squash picture is from another page that happens to be quite interesting, go take a look and read about one of the greatest squash players since the invention of lulu lemon pants, Jahangir Khan


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ahhhh!

I thought i told you not to come here!

Check this out! -Ryan

Cool messed up art blog!


Free movies and shows!


Want to have a better life?
Go here!

Want to rot your brain?
Go here, here, or here!

Enjoy! but whatever you do, dont go here.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Kangaroo love story -Ryan the Writter

terrible is the mind that drives
into oncoming traffic, ruining lives
until, by fate, something, someone
brings my life some meaning, and maybe some fun

I created a visual for those who can't read
It should be obvious which cartoon you need
by looking at the clouds facial expressions they show,
the ideal place in life you need to go



Monday, April 19, 2010

Nature Walk and Geography Lessons - Brody the Observer

It's that time of year. Spring, when the flowers are blooming, the ice is melting, deer are humping each other and chewing up peoples gardens, city folk are rushing out into the wilderness to camp, bears are waking up and mauling the city folk, morgues are receiving a high inflow of dead campers.

There's nothing like it, and to enjoy this splendid fruitful bounty of awesome weather, I went for a hike by the river. It was a time of rejoice and renewed optimism for life, which can only last for so long. During my hike I saw many interesting things. I saw things like trees and moss:



I also saw rocks, lots of rocks. Here are some that were stack into an inukshuk:



One of the most amazing things I found, was a rock that was shaped disturbingly similar to the United States. I was a little hesitant to take the rock, because of a deep fear I might be forced to pay financially crippling tariffs, but fortunately no government authorities have tried contacting me yet. Here is the rock, let me know if you agree or disagree that it resembles the U.S.




I labeled the U.S. states to better help represent the similarity:




Striking isn't it?

Here's one more photo showing the U.S. in relation to Canada to help give the photo some sense of scale:

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Village of Shouldice - Royal Proclamation of the Highest Order -by Ryan

General Commodities...

1. Grapes are now forbidden
2. Melons are henceforth to be named Merlons. Violation of this will result in Merlon seeing your melons. If such an easy task is not possible for thee, Merlon will cut thy melon off.

3. Ale and forest weed must now all pass through the royal treasury. Given this new inconvenience for the Magesterium, these products will be taxed heavily. What? is thy complaining? They will now be taxed exhaustively.


Relations with the Crab People
...

Peace talks with the crab people have not gone as well as promised. Now, families must sacrifice their second child in addition to their first to avoid the crab people from coming to the surface.

Casual Friday...

Feel free to wear whatever garmet or robe you feel like for this fridays mass funeral

-Merlon

Interview with Jackie Chan –By Ryan the Racist Interviewer

RRI - So J-star, you don’t mind if I call you that do you?

Jackie- I don’t know what you are after, but I have connections in high places. You’ll regret doing this.

RRI- J-star it is. So J-star, just to get an idea of who you are; If you were a soup, what kind would you be?

Jackie- ….

RRI- Let me rephrase. If you could kill all the whales in the world, would you?

Jackie- …i…don’t

RRI- Alright, alright that was a loaded question I know. What’s it like in Japan?

Jackie- I’ve heard it’s a beautiful island. Now can you please loosen this rope?

RRI- HAHAHA, that’s rich! Sounding like you’ve never been… And your favourite type of sushi?

Jackie- I’m more of a Dim Sum fan. I have money, is it money you want?

RRI- What I want is for some goddamn straight answers! So how was your country affected when they defeated Russia in 1905.

Jackie- I’M CHINESE YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

RRI rises slowly and starts to remove his belt.

Jackie- oh fuck oh fu…you english all crazy! Like pulp fiction!

Remaining silent, RRI places the belt on the coffee table.

RRI- Then WHY does it SAY you’re Japanese on Wikipedia??

TRUSTING THE INFORMATION FOUND ON WIKIPEDIA CAN CAUSE GREAT MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hoe VS Dozer - Brody the Doodler



Hoe beats Dozer.

Monday, April 12, 2010

पोस्टी post - Tyler

The main reason for my lack of contribution to this blog is my inability to write something that makes sense. Holy shit, I did it! Well then... this is the start of me posting regularly.

Aaaaanyway, what do you all think of school? For me, I've been able to say "I'm in school" for the past five years, while learning barely anything! I almost have a degree in economics! but I don't know shit about it! So Tyler, why....

Now I have run out of ideas. And am slipping back to "not make sense" mode. So I will leave it there.

Actually, one final thought. I was thinking about that song, Chop Suey, by SOAD. You know the one. I wonder, why does the lead singer ask the question, "Why'd you leave the kids up on the table?" with such anger? Obviously, this isn't the first time the person (or whatever this thing he's talking to is--his wife?? an alien life form?? His Philippinno nanny??) has left the kids up on the table. Otherwise, we'd be listening to a song that is more soft-rockish than metal. Like, Celine Dion for example. Whyyyyyyyy'd you leeeeeave the kiiiids uponnnn the table? That kind of song would almost make me cry. Why? WHYYYYYY? System of a Down makes me feel angry. Like I think, GODDAMMIT!! Why DID he leave the kids upon the table??? WHY WHY WHY??? FUCK FUCK FUCK...and so on, for about thirty minutes after I first hear the song. In any case, I am at least glad the lead singer of that band is a responsible parent. Possibly an abusive husband, but still a responsible parent. Celine Dion is ugly, and therefore could never be responsible. She looks so weak she probably wouldn't pick up a kid to put it on a table, let alone leave it there.

Anyway, that is all.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Love Happens - Dating Service


64 yr old male.

I enjoy walking in the rain, smelling my neighbours flowers, playing chess, watching others play chess, following people home, exercising at the local gym, hiding in bushes.


Seeking a female of any age. Open to the joys of life and trying new things. Likes taking orders and being tied down. Enjoys pets, especially dogs.
/

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

History of the World – by Jon

14000 MYA - Big Bang: Formation of the Universe
4600 MYA - Formation of Earth
543 MYA - 65 MYA – Boring Geological Time Periods
5 MYA – 2500 BC – Stone Age: The Human Era
70000 BC – 8000 BC – Ice Age: Extinction of Large Mammals
9000 BC – 4500 BC – Neolithic: First Permanent Settlements
3200 BC – 1200 BC – Bronze Age: First Pharaohs
1200 BC – 332 BC – Iron Age Start of the Trojan War
332 BC – 63 BC – Hellenistic Period
63 BC – 476 – Roman Period
330 – 1453 – Byzantine Period
476 – 1350 – Middle Ages
1350 – 1600 – Renaissance
1500 – 1600 – Reformation
1600 – 1800 - Enlightenment
1750 – 1900 – Industrial Revolution
1900 – 2000 – 20th Century
(2007 – Lululemon athletica inc.)
(2009 - Beginning of The Four Writters Period)
2000 – 2010 – 21st Century

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

थिस इस कांफुसिंग... वही इस थिस पोस्ट इन अर्य्बिक??? -बी रयान


Ok so the title is in Arabic. I don't know why but it is.. my work computer seems to have a mind of its own..
The title says "this is confusing... why is this in Arabic?" but what I wanted to say was something like; "Little weird things i do. - By Ryan"


I felt like sharing the only thing I do which could be considered obsessive compulsive.
Whenever I finish showering, I turn the water off, then pull up the metal plug which divides the bath and shower. I don't have to do this but when i do it, the water that was already in the pipes makes its way out of the bath faucet, and makes a satisfying *thump*thump*thump* in the bath tub. The first few times I did this, i was very satisfied with my new routine and every time I did this I would think "this is very satisfying".
The bizarre thing is that now I don't even enjoy doing this. I don't get any satisfaction out of doing this action at all, but I continue because of habit. Whats more bizarre is that every time I do this, without fail, I think "this is very satisfying" EVEN WHEN IT FUCKING ISNT.

I suppose this is something that is not deadly, or bad for my health. It just worries me that the next time I eat chicken salad, I might be triggered to punch a baby. Or next time I punch a baby, I might be triggered to eat the baby.

lets hope my problem stays under control.

Happy Birthday - Brody the Doodler



I don't know who has a birthday today, but if it is yours, then happy birthday to you. I hope you have a great pharaohking day.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Clubbing Tips - Brody the Writter


I'm not old by any means, but I'm also not young. I know thats a vague statement, but you just need to gather that I am old enough to think clubbing is for alcoholics and high school students. Having said that, on certain days I fit into one of those categories and through my infinite wisdom I've acquired many skills that I feel I must share.


Tip #1 - How to order a drink at the bar

One of the worst parts about clubbing, aside from the sexual frustration of leaving the club alone, is standing at the bar like a tool, waiting to order a drink. This process can take up to 15 minutes, which is a long time to stand in one place looking like a tool. There's the epic torture of making it to the front of the line only to be squeezed out as thousands upon thousands of 17 and a half year old girls with fake IDs push you to the back again. There is however a solution. Fake a handicap.
Different handicaps come in handi in different situations. My new personal favourite is to feign being mute. The first drink will take a little bit of work to order. When the lovely bartendress requests your order, you must stay in character and stare at her with wandering glazed eyes, not a word to speak. She will become irritated and insistent. Give her some fancy looking hand signals to keep her attention and have a friend tell her the great news, that you are unable to speak; also pass on your drink order. As a bartendress, she is trained not to feel empathy; however, being that you are most likely the only mute at the bar, she will remember you and your drink of choice. Anytime you have to come back to refill your tipsy tank, it will only require a casual glance and hand gesture and your drink will be poured before you've even time to reach for your wallet.

Tip #2 - Talking to girls

This tip is for the guys, if you're a girl wondering how to talk to the handsome chaps, don't worry about. All you have to do is look at us and start making a bunch of goofy faces and we will fall in love with you. All dudes are attracted to girls who act goofy. It's a rule.

First of all, don't blow your cover as a mute. Do all your talking out of earshot and out of sight from the lovely bartendress. I find talking to anybody to be a chore. Conversations are boring and overrated. That's why you need to spice it up. Save everybody the pain of talking about the same old shit. A good idea is to watch a popular chick flick before going out. Something like "P.S I Love You". Then find someone who looks like Hilary Skank and role play the movie out as if you were Gerry and she's Holly.
"You look like Holly from P.S I love you"
"I'm sorry I said the wrong thing to your mother. God, I still get nervous around her. I still think after nine years she doesn't like me. I know I'm being stupid"
Hopefully she responds with "No you're not being stupid baby. She doesn't like you" and not "Get the fuck away from me you creep".

Tip #3 - Ending the night

No matter what happens or how the night goes there is only one way to end it. Join the crowd of lost and desolate drunks as they exit the bar, but when they are all zig zagging towards the frenzied cabbies, you walk over to the pony rail and untie your horse, then ride off into the city streets.

I guess this isn't really a tip or something that is easily doable, but it sure would be cool.

End of tips... for now.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Roger the stray cat - by Jon

The evening was cool and the streets were still. Roger sat silently atop a heap of deformed cardboard boxes, his gaze fixed on an owner picking through garbage some distance from him. Roger never understood or appreciated the value of bottles despite the profound interest by the owners. Bottles are difficult to grip, inedible, too geometric, and often make frightenly loud noises when dropped. They lack the reciprication when pawing, a trait favoured in mice and birds. Yet, to Rogers persistent amazement, the owners were facinated with them, collected them, even fought for them.
Roger lept gracefully from the boxes onto the cool concreate ground. This was the best time of day. The usual bustling activity of the city was muted creating an environment ripe for scavanging and exploring.
Roger stalked down the concreate path. This location, between two steel monoliths, had proven fruitful in the past. The owners, in spite of their penchant for inedible bottles, frequently tossed spicey treats through large doors onto the streets. However, it was no easy pickings by any means. Dogs, mice, birds, and other cats would gather and fight over the owners gift.
Roger knew some of the cats, many of them local, but none worthy of company. A few were travelers who had owners. They stuck out from the rest: clean, well groomed, often flaunting impressive furs, yet a prissy and distasteful attitude. Roger desired them, wanted to be them, he wanted to be owned. He often watched owned cats and relished their lifestyles; playing with mice and birds all day without feeling the need to eat, but instead presenting them as gifts to the owners; small owners cuddling and petting, not throwing stones. Maybe one day, such a scenerio would come true for Roger.
Roger gracefully makes a bend bearing towards the end of the alley where the metal food door lay in wait, cracked open. A thin stream of light was cast on the cement below illuminating treats. Roger's heart beating ever faster, his mouth salivating ever more with each approaching paw. It had occured to Roger that obtaining treats recently had been easier and easier. There were less dogs and fellow cats to fight with in past days, not that it was a concern to Roger, after all he was fit and very sneaky.
Tonight something was amiss though.
The treats were arranged in a tidy fashion, not splayed randomly everywhere like what was common. What really stood out was the presence of the door owner who stood silently against the wall, an empty bag in hand.
Roger thought nothing else of it, the spicey treats were too enticing. Besides, maybe the owner would offer a pet, maybe a toy.
Roger descended upon the spicey treats, his second last meal.
..........................................................
The McNabb's were a middle class, hardworking family with two beautiful, smart children. Michael, the youngest, was entitled to a dinner on the town from his parents (which he rightfully accepted) due to his diligence and hard work in english class - he wrote a poem entitled The nine lives of cats: The dog years which he recieved an A- on. From the multitude of potential resturants, Michael chose Wing Tan's fine Chinese, his favorite.
The ginger beef arrived late, sparking disapproval and a rude remark from the father, Frank, towards the server. However, it was transitory and the family cheer quickly returned to base line. Michael enjoyed the ginger beef, although rather chewy and of odd consitency, he was in too good a mood to led that get to him.
The McNabb's didn't tip.
..........................................................
It looks like Roger the stray cat found a loving and caring family after all.

The Three Writters - 4:00 am, who could it be? Noj???

Texting.
A god-send to society. Now you can receive without a COD; we send you a message; sincere, inquisitive, thoughtful, and at times polite - "at times, personal disposition may weigh".
(Directorial (as in dictionary) response: an answer or reply, as in words or action).
To the contrary, at times, texts (or lack there of) may belie the aforementioned definition.