Le Poemsicle Enfleurer -- Brody the Writter

I guess poems are on the fucking menu for this site now. I thought I'd serve my own up, since its been a half year and I haven't contributed any words to this vacuum. This one is dedicated to Carol, the egotistical demon who has possessed the body of a troubled hermit.



Le Poemsicle Enfleurer

I am the top corner of a room
Or rather
The back wall, side wall and ceiling
Running out of room
The resting place of a helium balloon
Before it shrivels up and is technically considered dead
And so long as you're below me
I'll remain just a foot above your head
A perpendicular jab in all three dimensions
A knock out blow to anyone trying to break my prison like restrictions
Not even Harry Houdini could escape this joint
Three planes that have crashed at the same point
The end of the line
Lid on your jar
Muzzle on your mouth
I'm the top corner of the room
And no-ones aloud the fuck out
.

Ten dead bees - bb shenanigans

One day I sat upon my throne
Listening to a peasant drone
"the bees! the bees! he said,
"all dead!"
"get out you fool, you're hurting my head"
Though in bed that night, sleepless I lay
watching stars grow dim from night to day
Suddenly a plan came, of course!

I left the next morning saddled up on my horse
So off I went, adventuring to the south
met a weird wired willow with a coffee smelling mouth
"Coffee! holy mother fucking shit, get me more!"
"First point me to the bees, you coffee drinking whore"
"Shit cock bitch you ass, all right"
then he pointed his branch over the mountain out of sight

Laughing with my deception, I headed due west
met a crazed British turtle with a bullet proof vest
"don't you have protection already?" I said with a smirk
"I lost it in a storm you insensitive jerk"
"All right I'll help find it , if you show me the bees
"They are that way I think, handing me golden keys
"but first get the shell, under the bridge over there
"I don't think so" I said, and drove off without a care

Being very happy, I set out to the east,
met nine piping pipers eating food (like a feast)
"Salt, peppers and beer be all we need
to make this meal perfectly delicious indeed"
"I'll find them" I said, now knowing what to expect
"where be the bees first, then I will collect
"Head that way my friend, pointing over a stream
"but first come and eat" said with smiles that gleamed
"No thanks you pipers, the bees I'll find"
Then into the sunset I rode, (pipers sighed)
Smelling victory close, I smiled with delight
headed north, I saw ten dead bees.

Then as I looked at the bees, it occurred to me
all the friends all around who could have been



Hope you all had a great summer, and are now looking forward to a great fall!
I for one am excited because there will be new blood writing with us, so stay tuned.

No Trespassing

We don't write during the summer, all trespassers will be shot.

kid memory- bb shenanigans

Random memory= My childhood bud, Kenn Baloney (last name changed for their protection) and I decided to pour salt in our mouths to create more "taste bugs", and to take them away, ate pepper. We had to get the right balance in order to taste the best food.
Kids are so stupid.

Seal-bb shenanigans

The seal meat was delicious. I mean it was really Goddamn good. So good your taste buds scream with anticipation as the seal fat is sucked into the mouth and devoured with teaming teeth of tenacity. The women up north prepared it. Cooked it over a fire right there in the igloo. My God, if Joseph had been there he would have bent right over and ate his shoes given the absurdity of the situation.
But there i was, a boy who had grown up in Pennsylvania, stuck up north of Whitehorse (Yukon Territory, Canada), trying to strike gold.

The trip started out fine, great in fact, given that the weather for October hadn't sunk into fuck me in the ass cold temperatures yet. I had used my savings on getting up to the Goddamn city (I should say town), and afterward spent what little left I had on some Goddamn dogs. The fuckers didn't tell me i needed at least 6-8 dogs to run a sled properly when I had just been able to buy 3. Then, after trying to give em back, he said that their were no refunds. Frustrated, I decided to at least get some meat out of the purchase. I killed two and was in the process of smashing the third when the dog breeder ran out screaming he was joking... I wish I could share his crazy Inuit humor because at that moment I did not think this was particularly funny.
I also found out the dog meat doesn't taste good. Raw. Kicked out of town because of "immoral acts". And without a fire.
Like I said it wasn't fuck me in the ass cold yet, but it was finger me up the butthole with great irritability cold. So I dug a little hole, crawled inside, and next thing I know I was woken up in a tent with the smell of seal meat cooking.
Let me tell you, it was the best Goddamn meal I've ever had.

My Collection of Quotes

I'm using this posts to save quotes I like. This is for my use only and if you are not me stop reading now, you are not allowed to read my personal notes.


"Let not the fierce sun dry one tear of pain
Before thyself hast wiped it from the sufferer's eye" - Helena Petrovna Blavatsky Found in Kurt Vonneguts book - Wampeters Foma & Granfalloons

The Tallest Man on Earth -- Brody the Writter

Ok, so here's the scoop straight outta your neighbours kitty litter. I went to a small concert at an undisclosed location this weekend in and undisclosed Canadian oil town. Why did I do this? Ever day I ask myself why I do the things I do and also why I don't do the things I don't do, of which there are plenty.

Alors, so the main reason I went was because the show was headlined by Tallest Man on Earth, who definitely is not as tall as the name suggests, it's just a little humour he put there to kick you in your ironically defenceless balls/box. It was the first time I've seen the young Kristian Matsson in the flesh and I was very impressed. He's truly a friendly character. I was content after the show my money went to a good cause, unlike that empty feeling you get when you donate to a worthless charity. Not to rag too hard on charities, but seriously, stop phoning my fucking house.

The opening band was a group I've never heard of until now, and thankfully I actually liked their music too. They call themselves The Nurses and are also definitely not what their name suggests. Although, maybe they used to work as nurses in a past career of even a past life? Dun dun daaa.

Any-who, the music was so tasteful I decided to buy their albums on vinyl and let me tell you, think before you buy! I don't own a working record player, what the hell am I doing buying vinyl?




Now I've been trying to buy a decent record player and like most shopping expeditions I lost site of my goal. I started with a price limit of $100 and after tons or turntable research I've discovered I need to spend $3000 to be satisfied. Simply because, after watching youtube videos, I now know I need not, one, but two turntables and a mixer so I can become the worlds greatest DJ.

What?! you say, DJ'n is lame and annoying.

No it is not I retort. It is the greatest thing to happen to vinyl and DJ Kentaro is the greatest thing to happen to DJ'n

Trust my new favourite driving song.

Bis später

___

FIRED - BY RYAN BB SHENANIGANS

Stop the press, hold the phones, keep your shorts on, cause Ryan just got fired. Well to be honest, I got fired last wednesday, but ONLY NOW has the gruesome truth sunk in. No more free squash, no more bumming around receiving ten measly Canadian loonies an hour. No more talking to hot Amber and no more free coffee. Yes this is somewhat of a wake up call..
The Cause:
Forgot about one small itsy bitsy shift that i said i would cover, and apparently you cant play squash during your shift...

What do i do?
I think in their youths everyone is an optimist, believing that any and all dreams can be achieved if you set your mind to it. As you grow older, you begin to realize (or all at once) that this is bull shit. Even if you so happen to be a young white male (hey sorry folks, I didn't create these inequalities) you are still going to amount to diddly squat.

Option 1. Underachieve
Hey, a cynics easy way out. Do nothing in life because in the end all you do is die, so why try?
This job was a slackers paradise, and i have half a mind to try and get this job back. Sure i slacked off, but i was becoming a part of that center. A guy people could ask questions to about squash or anything. And someone to hold on .. k maybe not so much but, I was eating and breathing squash balls for 8 months, and last week I was just left out in the cold.

Option 2. I dont know... wtf should I do? Im an under achiever!

Dear Carol,

I used to think you were quite attractive. You had these amazing hips that flowed down your body like a beautiful prairie landscape. Your teeth were slightly crooked, but in the most perfect way. Your hair smelled like daffodils, even when you didn't wash it. Your breath smelled like an old cedar chair, which is weird, but at least it didn't reek. Your hands felt like ivory. Your eyes shined like a moon. Your smile made my knees weak. Your charm belonged hidden in a rainbow. Your words were so soft.

These things are not the reason for my letter, but rather I write this to inform you I know longer want to see you. You've grown ugly. Ugly like a rat.



Best Regards,


Benjamin Road

The Greatest Game on Earth -- Brody the Writter

Last night I was introduced to the greatest game on earth by a very famous geologist. The game requires numerous people to play and the more people playing the more fantastical this game becomes. It's based on the same idea as "Telephone" and for that reason I feel it make sense to call this game "Snail Mail"


What you need to play --> At least four people, blank pieces of paper and pencils for everyone.



THE RULES:

(ONE) Everyone writes down a short descriptive sentence on the top of their paper.

(TOO) pass your paper to the person on the right

(3) Take your neighbors paper, read the sentence, then try to draw the picture the sentence describes

(FOUR) fold the sentence over so it can no longer be seen, then pass it to the person on the right again with just your new picture visible

(5IVE) Take you neighbors paper, look at their drawing, then write a sentence to describe it

(SEX) Now fold the drawing over so it can no longer be seen, pass it to the person on the right again with only your new sentence visible

(SE7EN) Keep doing this until you get your original paper back and then everyone can open them and read the hilarity.



We played this last night with four people and here's what we ended up with:

The Golden Racket - Ryan BB shenanigans

Nayr Hoosyodad picked the squash ball up from the court, it was still hot from last game. Bouncing it a few times on the floor, Nayr watched as his opponent, Kahn Kahnoor stepped onto the court. Even though his slightly disfigured face naturally conveyed the expression of a frown, Kahns scowl was unmistakable. Kahn had wanted a clean sweep of the best of five match; 3 straight. But the games were now tied 2-2.
Didn't go exactly as planned, did it Kahn? Thought Nayr. He had won the last two games, and by God he was going to win game 5 too.
"Serve Nayr, your choice" instructed the Referee, meaning he could choose which side of the court to serve from. Apparently the ref was eager to start. The audience sat silently in anticipation. Even the children playing up front had stopped to look. The golden racket was within his grasp if he could just pull off one more win.
"At your leisure, Mr. Hoosyodad!" called out the irritated ref.
"ALRIGHT! ITS NOT MY FAULT THIS WRITTER IS BEING SO FUCKING DESCRIPTIVE" Replied the equally irritated Nayr.

Editors note:
I want to go further with this, however not now. So i guess this is just part one.

Excerpts from Merlon's Journal in the Village of Shouldice- Ryan BB shenanigans

Fourth day of Aprile,One Thousand One Hundred and Nine.

Woe be my tormented soul, for my life now is devoid of even simple pleasures. My talks with the local Alchemist (Alchi be his name) have become curt and without merriment upon late. It seems the deal with the crab people has applied to him as well, forcing him to sacrifice both his son, Jorst, and his younger daughter, Susan. In past times, Alchi always would laugh with childish delight upon seeing me remove my thumb from my hand, only to put it back seconds later. This morning when I did this, he simply put his head back into his hands and continued weeping. It seems my attempts to make this town happy are futile.

Alas, I have discovered ways in which to occupy my time while my town is dealing with present misfortunes. Months ago, I sent the local guard to search the southern hills of Coors for semi precious rocks (I have heard that some of these rocks hold mystical properties). Only recently did the guard return (some of them anyway) but more importantly carrying the rocks. Over the past few days my harem has helped place these rocks in my garden, creating pathways for which to view my rhododendrons and calla lilies. The sheer magnitude of my genius can be understood when viewing the garden from my tower, for when viewed, the rocks form the shape of my bust! Though these semi precious minerals are now put to good use, I hesitate to write that the original purpose of this minor expedition has been forgotten. I trust that you will keep this information secret.
I shall write soone,
Merlon

Below is a rough sketch of my rock bust;

Giant Milk Glass -- Brody the Doodler

Scabies Outbreak in Northern Alberta! - Brody the Writter

It's all happening! The outbreak has started and now we're all going to die. It has been foolishly suggested that most people with scabies scratch themselves to death, but this is absolute, absurd, ba-lony. "Scabbers" as they are more commonly known, scratch other people to death. The scabies parasite burrows into a hosts skin and attaches to the brain stem. It then takes control of the person and turns them into blood hungry monsters. Scabbers are easily spotted and should be vigorously avoided. Their eyes are pure blood red with dilated pupils and their fingers eventually fall off so they can grow large claws.

"Day Scabbers" are generally very feeble and pose little threat. If you encounter a Day Scabber you can use any small stick to shoo them away. They tend to be more of a pest then anything else. "Night Scabbers", however, are dangerously sneaky and they have very strong claw muscles. If they don't manage to scratch you to death it won't matter, because just one scratch and you'll become Scabber yourself (in 4-6 weeks).

An investigation into the outbreak traced it back to a single man, Franz Peppers. It's not known how he origanally caught the scabies parasite, but it is known that he frequently uses his towel to whip other men in public showers. Franz refused to be interviewed, but he did tell us it is a huge deal and someone has got to fix this before it's too late.

Thith ith a huge deal and thomeone hath got to fixeth thith before it'th too late, ahhh! (girlie scream)

Photo www.veryworrying.com

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull; pre and post production- By Ryan

Friday the 23rd - Brody the Writter

Today is friday. I am sitting here waiting for things to fall into place. I have clothes in the dryer and clothes in the wash, they need to hurry up and get clean. I have shit to do and they are taking their sweet ass time. I have a speeding ticket I need to pay that has recently expired. Maybe they will forget about me and I can just keep ignoring to pay it. Fucking money hungry cops. I also have to take my car to the tire shop so they can earn some money. Summer tires mean even more speeding tickets, ahhhh. If I was a speed cop I would arrest myself for being such a douche. Don't get me wrong I don't hate all police, I know some I happen to like quite a lot, but the ones who have to pull me over in order to have a conversation are clingy and annoying.
Let's see, what else. Well, first of all I don't know why I'm talking about myself as if this is an actual blog, but I've lost my fictional writing inspiration lately. So, what else should you know about my personal business... Let's see, I'm training to become the world's 2nd greatest squash player. I figure if I get good enough I can play the first greatest player, and then once he/she beats me I'll make up business cards saying I'm the "2nd greatest".
If you have never played squash you either don't know what it is, or assume it's a lame sport for old people who are too out of shape to play a real sport, like dodgeball. Well, you are fucking wrong, and dodgeball is a game for school children! Screw you for assuming that, why would you even force me to write such an absurd comment. Squash is a sport of kings and queens and all in betweens. Stop knocking it until you try it, you will be hooked.

here's a little inspiration for all you little giggly love bunnies:



That squash picture is from another page that happens to be quite interesting, go take a look and read about one of the greatest squash players since the invention of lulu lemon pants, Jahangir Khan

Ahhhh!

I thought i told you not to come here!

Check this out! -Ryan

Cool messed up art blog!


Free movies and shows!


Want to have a better life?
Go here!

Want to rot your brain?
Go here, here, or here!

Enjoy! but whatever you do, dont go here.

Kangaroo love story -Ryan the Writter

terrible is the mind that drives
into oncoming traffic, ruining lives
until, by fate, something, someone
brings my life some meaning, and maybe some fun

I created a visual for those who can't read
It should be obvious which cartoon you need
by looking at the clouds facial expressions they show,
the ideal place in life you need to go

Nature Walk and Geography Lessons - Brody the Observer

It's that time of year. Spring, when the flowers are blooming, the ice is melting, deer are humping each other and chewing up peoples gardens, city folk are rushing out into the wilderness to camp, bears are waking up and mauling the city folk, morgues are receiving a high inflow of dead campers.

There's nothing like it, and to enjoy this splendid fruitful bounty of awesome weather, I went for a hike by the river. It was a time of rejoice and renewed optimism for life, which can only last for so long. During my hike I saw many interesting things. I saw things like trees and moss:



I also saw rocks, lots of rocks. Here are some that were stack into an inukshuk:



One of the most amazing things I found, was a rock that was shaped disturbingly similar to the United States. I was a little hesitant to take the rock, because of a deep fear I might be forced to pay financially crippling tariffs, but fortunately no government authorities have tried contacting me yet. Here is the rock, let me know if you agree or disagree that it resembles the U.S.




I labeled the U.S. states to better help represent the similarity:




Striking isn't it?

Here's one more photo showing the U.S. in relation to Canada to help give the photo some sense of scale:

Village of Shouldice - Royal Proclamation of the Highest Order -by Ryan

General Commodities...

1. Grapes are now forbidden
2. Melons are henceforth to be named Merlons. Violation of this will result in Merlon seeing your melons. If such an easy task is not possible for thee, Merlon will cut thy melon off.

3. Ale and forest weed must now all pass through the royal treasury. Given this new inconvenience for the Magesterium, these products will be taxed heavily. What? is thy complaining? They will now be taxed exhaustively.


Relations with the Crab People...

Peace talks with the crab people have not gone as well as promised. Now, families must sacrifice their second child in addition to their first to avoid the crab people from coming to the surface.

Casual Friday...
Feel free to wear whatever garmet or robe you feel like for this fridays mass funeral

-Merlon

Interview with Jackie Chan –By Ryan the Racist Interviewer

RRI - So J-star, you don’t mind if I call you that do you?

Jackie- I don’t know what you are after, but I have connections in high places. You’ll regret doing this.

RRI- J-star it is. So J-star, just to get an idea of who you are; If you were a soup, what kind would you be?

Jackie- ….

RRI- Let me rephrase. If you could kill all the whales in the world, would you?

Jackie- …i…don’t

RRI- Alright, alright that was a loaded question I know. What’s it like in Japan?

Jackie- I’ve heard it’s a beautiful island. Now can you please loosen this rope?

RRI- HAHAHA, that’s rich! Sounding like you’ve never been… And your favourite type of sushi?

Jackie- I’m more of a Dim Sum fan. I have money, is it money you want?

RRI- What I want is for some goddamn straight answers! So how was your country affected when they defeated Russia in 1905.

Jackie- I’M CHINESE YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

RRI rises slowly and starts to remove his belt.

Jackie- oh fuck oh fu…you english all crazy! Like pulp fiction!

Remaining silent, RRI places the belt on the coffee table.

RRI- Then WHY does it SAY you’re Japanese on Wikipedia??

TRUSTING THE INFORMATION FOUND ON WIKIPEDIA CAN CAUSE GREAT MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Hoe VS Dozer - Brody the Doodler

Hoe beats Dozer.

पोस्टी post - Tyler

The main reason for my lack of contribution to this blog is my inability to write something that makes sense. Holy shit, I did it! Well then... this is the start of me posting regularly.

Aaaaanyway, what do you all think of school? For me, I've been able to say "I'm in school" for the past five years, while learning barely anything! I almost have a degree in economics! but I don't know shit about it! So Tyler, why....

Now I have run out of ideas. And am slipping back to "not make sense" mode. So I will leave it there.

Actually, one final thought. I was thinking about that song, Chop Suey, by SOAD. You know the one. I wonder, why does the lead singer ask the question, "Why'd you leave the kids up on the table?" with such anger? Obviously, this isn't the first time the person (or whatever this thing he's talking to is--his wife?? an alien life form?? His Philippinno nanny??) has left the kids up on the table. Otherwise, we'd be listening to a song that is more soft-rockish than metal. Like, Celine Dion for example. Whyyyyyyyy'd you leeeeeave the kiiiids uponnnn the table? That kind of song would almost make me cry. Why? WHYYYYYY? System of a Down makes me feel angry. Like I think, GODDAMMIT!! Why DID he leave the kids upon the table??? WHY WHY WHY??? FUCK FUCK FUCK...and so on, for about thirty minutes after I first hear the song. In any case, I am at least glad the lead singer of that band is a responsible parent. Possibly an abusive husband, but still a responsible parent. Celine Dion is ugly, and therefore could never be responsible. She looks so weak she probably wouldn't pick up a kid to put it on a table, let alone leave it there.

Anyway, that is all.

Love Happens - Dating Service

64 yr old male.

I enjoy walking in the rain, smelling my neighbours flowers, playing chess, watching others play chess, following people home, exercising at the local gym, hiding in bushes.

Seeking a female of any age. Open to the joys of life and trying new things. Likes taking orders and being tied down. Enjoys pets, especially dogs.
/

History of the World – by Jon

14000 MYA - Big Bang: Formation of the Universe
4600 MYA - Formation of Earth
543 MYA - 65 MYA – Boring Geological Time Periods
5 MYA – 2500 BC – Stone Age: The Human Era
70000 BC – 8000 BC – Ice Age: Extinction of Large Mammals
9000 BC – 4500 BC – Neolithic: First Permanent Settlements
3200 BC – 1200 BC – Bronze Age: First Pharaohs
1200 BC – 332 BC – Iron Age Start of the Trojan War
332 BC – 63 BC – Hellenistic Period
63 BC – 476 – Roman Period
330 – 1453 – Byzantine Period
476 – 1350 – Middle Ages
1350 – 1600 – Renaissance
1500 – 1600 – Reformation
1600 – 1800 - Enlightenment
1750 – 1900 – Industrial Revolution
1900 – 2000 – 20th Century
(2007 – Lululemon athletica inc.)
(2009 - Beginning of The Four Writters Period)
2000 – 2010 – 21st Century

थिस इस कांफुसिंग... वही इस थिस पोस्ट इन अर्य्बिक??? -बी रयान

Ok so the title is in Arabic. I don't know why but it is.. my work computer seems to have a mind of its own..
The title says "this is confusing... why is this in Arabic?" but what I wanted to say was something like; "Little weird things i do. - By Ryan"


I felt like sharing the only thing I do which could be considered obsessive compulsive.
Whenever I finish showering, I turn the water off, then pull up the metal plug which divides the bath and shower. I don't have to do this but when i do it, the water that was already in the pipes makes its way out of the bath faucet, and makes a satisfying *thump*thump*thump* in the bath tub. The first few times I did this, i was very satisfied with my new routine and every time I did this I would think "this is very satisfying".
The bizarre thing is that now I don't even enjoy doing this. I don't get any satisfaction out of doing this action at all, but I continue because of habit. Whats more bizarre is that every time I do this, without fail, I think "this is very satisfying" EVEN WHEN IT FUCKING ISNT.

I suppose this is something that is not deadly, or bad for my health. It just worries me that the next time I eat chicken salad, I might be triggered to punch a baby. Or next time I punch a baby, I might be triggered to eat the baby.

lets hope my problem stays under control.

Happy Birthday - Brody the Doodler

I don't know who has a birthday today, but if it is yours, then happy birthday to you. I hope you have a great pharaohking day.

Clubbing Tips - Brody the Writter

I'm not old by any means, but I'm also not young. I know thats a vague statement, but you just need to gather that I am old enough to think clubbing is for alcoholics and high school students. Having said that, on certain days I fit into one of those categories and through my infinite wisdom I've acquired many skills that I feel I must share.

Tip #1 - How to order a drink at the bar

One of the worst parts about clubbing, aside from the sexual frustration of leaving the club alone, is standing at the bar like a tool, waiting to order a drink. This process can take up to 15 minutes, which is a long time to stand in one place looking like a tool. There's the epic torture of making it to the front of the line only to be squeezed out as thousands upon thousands of 17 and a half year old girls with fake IDs push you to the back again. There is however a solution. Fake a handicap.

Different handicaps come in handi in different situations. My new personal favourite is to feign being mute. The first drink will take a little bit of work to order. When the lovely bartendress requests your order, you must stay in character and stare at her with wandering glazed eyes, not a word to speak. She will become irritated and insistent. Give her some fancy looking hand signals to keep her attention and have a friend tell her the great news, that you are unable to speak; also pass on your drink order. As a bartendress, she is trained not to feel empathy; however, being that you are most likely the only mute at the bar, she will remember you and your drink of choice. Anytime you have to come back to refill your tipsy tank, it will only require a casual glance and hand gesture and your drink will be poured before you've even time to reach for your wallet.

Tip #2 - Talking to girls

This tip is for the guys, if you're a girl wondering how to talk to the handsome chaps, don't worry about. All you have to do is look at us and start making a bunch of goofy faces and we will fall in love with you. All dudes are attracted to girls who act goofy. It's a rule.

First of all, don't blow your cover as a mute. Do all your talking out of earshot and out of sight from the lovely bartendress. I find talking to anybody to be a chore. Conversations are boring and overrated. That's why you need to spice it up. Save everybody the pain of talking about the same old shit. A good idea is to watch a popular chick flick before going out. Something like "P.S I Love You". Then find someone who looks like Hilary Skank and role play the movie out as if you were Gerry and she's Holly.

"You look like Holly from P.S I love you"

"I'm sorry I said the wrong thing to your mother. God, I still get nervous around her. I still think after nine years she doesn't like me. I know I'm being stupid"

Hopefully she responds with "No you're not being stupid baby. She doesn't like you" and not "Get the fuck away from me you creep".

Tip #3 - Ending the night

No matter what happens or how the night goes there is only one way to end it. Join the crowd of lost and desolate drunks as they exit the bar, but when they are all zig zagging towards the frenzied cabbies, you walk over to the pony rail and untie your horse, then ride off into the city streets.

I guess this isn't really a tip or something that is easily doable, but it sure would be cool.

End of tips... for now.

Roger the stray cat - by Jon

The evening was cool and the streets were still. Roger sat silently atop a heap of deformed cardboard boxes, his gaze fixed on an owner picking through garbage some distance from him. Roger never understood or appreciated the value of bottles despite the profound interest by the owners. Bottles are difficult to grip, inedible, too geometric, and often make frightenly loud noises when dropped. They lack the reciprication when pawing, a trait favoured in mice and birds. Yet, to Rogers persistent amazement, the owners were facinated with them, collected them, even fought for them.
Roger lept gracefully from the boxes onto the cool concreate ground. This was the best time of day. The usual bustling activity of the city was muted creating an environment ripe for scavanging and exploring.
Roger stalked down the concreate path. This location, between two steel monoliths, had proven fruitful in the past. The owners, in spite of their penchant for inedible bottles, frequently tossed spicey treats through large doors onto the streets. However, it was no easy pickings by any means. Dogs, mice, birds, and other cats would gather and fight over the owners gift.
Roger knew some of the cats, many of them local, but none worthy of company. A few were travelers who had owners. They stuck out from the rest: clean, well groomed, often flaunting impressive furs, yet a prissy and distasteful attitude. Roger desired them, wanted to be them, he wanted to be owned. He often watched owned cats and relished their lifestyles; playing with mice and birds all day without feeling the need to eat, but instead presenting them as gifts to the owners; small owners cuddling and petting, not throwing stones. Maybe one day, such a scenerio would come true for Roger.
Roger gracefully makes a bend bearing towards the end of the alley where the metal food door lay in wait, cracked open. A thin stream of light was cast on the cement below illuminating treats. Roger's heart beating ever faster, his mouth salivating ever more with each approaching paw. It had occured to Roger that obtaining treats recently had been easier and easier. There were less dogs and fellow cats to fight with in past days, not that it was a concern to Roger, after all he was fit and very sneaky.
Tonight something was amiss though.
The treats were arranged in a tidy fashion, not splayed randomly everywhere like what was common. What really stood out was the presence of the door owner who stood silently against the wall, an empty bag in hand.
Roger thought nothing else of it, the spicey treats were too enticing. Besides, maybe the owner would offer a pet, maybe a toy.
Roger descended upon the spicey treats, his second last meal.
..........................................................
The McNabb's were a middle class, hardworking family with two beautiful, smart children. Michael, the youngest, was entitled to a dinner on the town from his parents (which he rightfully accepted) due to his diligence and hard work in english class - he wrote a poem entitled The nine lives of cats: The dog years which he recieved an A- on. From the multitude of potential resturants, Michael chose Wing Tan's fine Chinese, his favorite.
The ginger beef arrived late, sparking disapproval and a rude remark from the father, Frank, towards the server. However, it was transitory and the family cheer quickly returned to base line. Michael enjoyed the ginger beef, although rather chewy and of odd consitency, he was in too good a mood to led that get to him.
The McNabb's didn't tip.
..........................................................
It looks like Roger the stray cat found a loving and caring family after all.

The Three Writters - 4:00 am, who could it be? Noj???

Texting.
A god-send to society. Now you can receive without a COD; we send you a message; sincere, inquisitive, thoughtful, and at times polite - "at times, personal disposition may weigh".
(Directorial (as in dictionary) response: an answer or reply, as in words or action).
To the contrary, at times, texts (or lack there of) may belie the aforementioned definition.

Bartering Gone Awry

Village Archives

The economy in the Village of Shouldice is being strangled by the new and absurd taxes put in place by Merlin. With so much money going towards taxes, there seems to be little money left for buying goods. Merlin says the tax money is going back into the Village, but so far he has only used the money to build a small statue of himself in the centre of town and to repaint his fence with a colour he feels better represents his personality.

To make matters worse, the town shop keeps have been at a severe bartering disadvantage. The violent citizens have been using their sharp and dangerous looking garden tools to barter and buy goods at ridiculously low prices. Some rumours have been circulating about cases where the shop keeps have actually been persuaded to pay their patrons to take the goods. The Merchants Guild is in a quick race to arm all the shop keeps with their own dangerous looking gardening tools.

It should also be mentioned that some of the children in the local school have started eating grass, sometimes spending their entire recess breaks grazing in the field beside the school.

How to have fun/wastetime online! Episode 1 -By Ryan

Hi everybody!

I'm in a giving mood today, and that is why I'm going to share some insiders information on fun things to do on the internet. Today im going to show you a great place to have fun that excludes facebook, games, and porn. "No porn?" some will ask. "yes, you can have fun without porn" I'll say. Boom! I just had fun talking to myself, its as easy at that!

Think of the possibilities of creating and modifying your own mind map.. online! You can check this out, or actually go to the site here.

For an amazing example of this (and partially why i wrote this article) you can check out my work life in a mind map by signing in with Login=Writters Password=Writters
my work mind map is on the tab on the right.

The now famous Four Writters- by ryan

We just did an online interview (with the constant pestering of others) and it is now on blog interviewer.com

You can find it here

Now, enjoy the rest of your day or I'll kill you.

the ReddY membrANe that surrounds me

is slowly growing lighter. The point of light on the horizon is engulfing me. The tip of my body breaks through and emerges into open air.

I am alive.

I am not afraid because i see that there are many others around me. We breath together; in. out. in. out. The silence is sometimes broken by one of our yellow/green friends in the form of a whistle. Life is good.

Life is now not good. It's been three weeks and these disgusting green abominations i earlier referred to as "friends" are now starting to form on me and my brothers. I can't enjoy the fresh air anymore and whenever we get cold, our "friends" get hard. I can't live like this.

There is hope however.

Every once in a while a battering ram from heaven comes to purge us of our "friends". Some of my brothers are taken but in the end its well worth...

"BROTHERS, HOLD ON! OUR SAVIOUR IS COMING TO PURGE US!
AHHHHHHHH IM DETACHED, MY LIFE HAS BEEN TOO SHORT"

Meanwhile....

Dude, Ryan.. are you picking your nose?

I kan drawl -- Brody the MSPainter

Here's another picture dedication to "Servant of the Most High", who thought it would be cool to spam our comments on the last post.



Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

My First Internet Prank - By rRyan

So I randomly found this site yesterday where you can talk to random people with anonymity (you can find it here) What became evident after talking to a few nice chaps, is that the internet is full of INTERNET PREDATORS!1!! This is news to me, seeing as how i spend my time on the net surfing respectable, reputable, well regarded sites. I thought this was someone pulling my chain!

ANYHOOZER, on this site most of these guys started their conversations with things like "I AM A MALE, YOU FEMALE?? I AM SO HORNY", and the remarkably speedy first post and my personal fav, "R U HRNY?". Wow, just wow.. you cant even take the time to fully spell the words. SO, naturally i was alittle put off by these internet jerks, and i wanted to enact some sort of revenge, not only for me but for the little girls just checking this site out! can you imagine?? "Hewo Im 6 yeaws ode :)" followed by ( imagine a deep growly voice) "WANNA SEE MY DICK?". Sick stuff im tellin you. Anyways I have a shortend version on the conversation here:

Stranger: 18+ girl?
You: bonjour!
You: oui je suis un femme
Stranger: salut
Stranger: tu parlais du anglais?
You: yes
Stranger: ok cool

the stuff i took out now is boring, get to know you stuff.. i had to lure him in with this stuff just like im sure he lured 1000s of other girls.
Also for this first bit i play along to get him going, then I start to fuck with him later.

So on the the fun stuff...


Stranger: how do you want to spend the next few years.
You: tell me what you want to do to me
Stranger: really?
You: do you want to play with me or not?
Stranger: I want to flirt with you first :)
Stranger: i'm a fucking tease
You: i dont fall for that stuff, i would walk away
Stranger: awww
Stranger: well, since your so forward. i can man up a bit.
Stranger: are you in your bedroom?
You: we are in the living room
Stranger: we?
Stranger: oh
Stranger: me and you?
You: im about to send you away if you dont do any thing
Stranger: ok
You: good byeee.....
Stranger: i would start out with a kiss
Stranger: soft, silent press
Stranger: i would frame your face with my hands
Stranger: i'd turn off the lights
Stranger: lie down with you on the couch
Stranger: id begin to kiss your neck
You: you are a good kisser
Stranger: i am very
You: i respond to your movements
Stranger: one of my few talents
Stranger: my hands would navigate your body
Stranger: documenting your countours, and responses
Stranger: i would shift my weight
Stranger: and gradually gyrate.
Stranger: your heart beat quickens.
Stranger: i feel this through your supple breasts
Stranger: your breathing matches the same tempo
Stranger: i turn you over
You: i am getting very hott
Stranger: and and unzip my pants
Stranger: no fucking condom today
Stranger: oh well
Stranger: i lean in
Stranger: my breath is shaky
Stranger: from shear anticipation
Stranger: your lying face down
Stranger: i breathe in your ears
You: oh my goddd
Stranger: i wrap my arms around your shoulders
Stranger: and squeeze
Stranger: gently but i am pretty strong
You: i twist your nipples
Stranger: i sit up and slide down your knickers
Stranger: and return you kissing you neck
Stranger: then i part your legs
Stranger: they are slightly ajar
You: STICK IT INNN MEE
Stranger: i enter
Stranger: for a moment
Stranger: your mouth opens
Stranger: your breating halts
You: i spit on you
Stranger: i thrust
Stranger: you are so fucking tight
You: i start poking you
Stranger: this feels amazing
Stranger: again i wrap my arms around you
Stranger: and draw you in
You: i grab a razor and start shaving the hair off your chest
Stranger: . . .
Stranger: is this really the time for that?
You: yes, you are so hairy
You: but keep pumping man, you are doing great
Stranger: I decide to turn the tables
Stranger: I hand you the reigns
Stranger: i lie down and you straddle me.
Stranger: im so relaxed
Stranger: and you push down
Stranger: taking every inch
You: we head up to the bedroom first... i put a coller on you and you crawl up the stairs after me
Stranger: feeling equal parts pain and pleasure
Stranger: no, no colloers
Stranger: collers*
Stranger: I respect you
Stranger: this is initimate.
Stranger: and fun
You: you resist, but you cant resist me
You: i head up to the bedroom
Stranger: i throw you on the bed
Stranger: i push my hand into the side of your face
Stranger: not to roughly
Stranger: i bend you overs
You: i bite it
Stranger: :)
Stranger: i disarm your agression with well placed kiss
You: i bite your lips
Stranger: playfully
You: draw some blood...
Stranger: no, catherine no blood
You: i start licking the blood
Stranger: :O
Stranger: I grab your waist
Stranger: and raise it level with my crotch
Stranger: and i fucking mount youy
Stranger: from here on in
Stranger: i will ride you like a triple crown jockey
Stranger: im bigger and stronger than you
Stranger: I slam
You: thats why i have a gun
Stranger: all the way in and all the way out.
You: I scream
Stranger: wait wait
You: RAPE!
Stranger: blood, guns.
You: my neighbor comes running in
Stranger: no
You: and he rips his cloths off and looks at you
You: oh yeah sean he wants you
Stranger: fuck sake
You: he is very, very big
Stranger: are you andrea?
You: "your asshole is mine" he says longingly
Stranger: unfortunately i realize now, rather naively that you aren' the girl in the photo you gave
You: hours later i find you in the shower crying like a girl
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

THE END.

A Drunken Sunday Morning Post- by Jon

Currently 5:43 AM Mountain Time; just returned from the strippers. My roommate (Ryan maybe you know him?) took me there as a tribute, my first time; a treat between guys I guess. I can, in a single sentence, sum it up as is:
in order to demean women, you must first demean society.
Maybe this is the wrong way to ponder this? Maybe this quote of my own making is nothing more than a cop-out, blaming my own lustful and lecherous impulses on the nature of society. However, I would disagree, despite how much I enjoy the female figure (I do agree that strip clubs degrade women, that's the main reason I advocate they stick to internet porn - the amount of degredation is inversly proportional to the distance between the benefactor and the observer).
It was my first time at the strippers. Surprisingly, I spent the majority of my visit observing the behavior of the audience present instead of the performance (It both intrigued and depressed me). The crowd comprised: 18-20 year old men 55%, 21+ men 30%, and women 18-30 15% (all drunk approximates of course). A wave of depression came over me. I found it somewhat ironic that the loonies that I was tossing towards these nude beauties epitomized integrity, reverence, and empowerment for women (for all you non-Canadians out there, the back of a Canadian dollar coin entails the queen of England). At the same time, there was a comforting realization for how society is; I am somewhat of a cynic/realist to begin with so that explains that. A saying I made up (I see society this way): “If you can’t eat it, make money off it, or fuck it, it’s for the birds”.
The joint closed and Ryan and I were forced out onto the street, a cheap hot dog stand lay before us. While my companion was ordering a delicious six-inch delicacy I had fun conversing with the crowd loitering around the club front entrance. It was at this point that I epiphanized the italic statement above. I guess I’m not trying to argue from any specific point of view, but instead just a off-the cuff, drunk, observation/philosophy. I value facts above anything else, in fact I live by the saying “I let the facts dictate my opinion, not my opinion determine the facts” (The funny thing is, I am not running by any facts in this whole post, just my observations (I’m being hypocritical (How many brackets between brackets can you do before it is poor format?)), fuck alcohol it confuses you!). So by all means I like public review and criticism. Open post I welcome it. I should say that I’m not really trying to convince anyone of anything or argue anything in particular. I’m currently inebriated and just spilling what ever comes to mind. What the hell am I even talking about? Fuck this, I’m going to sleep.

First admitted drunken post from the FOUR WRITTERS.

A minute with Tyler - by Jon and Ryan

Ryan - "Hey Tyler, is this your onion on the table?"
Tyler - "Why, is it a PROBLEM?"
Ryan - "No, I just think it's a bit random there's a red onion on the living room table".
Tyler - "Oh haha...."
Tyler - Maybe it's not my onion? Jon never leaves his onions on the table. It could be Ryan's, then he's just screwing with me. Where is my weed. Maybe Jon has an onion in the fridge and this is my onion. I left that roach on the porch, I should look for it. Oh, the paper's on the doorstep, Obama and healthcare front page. Obama is the man....no he is THE MAN! If I was gay I would have sex with Obama...no I would have sex with him now. We'll lets be reasonable, i'd have sex with Michelle and secretly involve myself with Obama and his affairs. Fuck my roach is lost.

This concludes a minute with Tyler.

Funny pic of Tuesday Night - Brody the MSPainter

This pic is dedicated to Brett, who spammed the comments in one of the last posts. Well, Brett, this is what happens when you sell Viagra to your own dad. BAM! BLood stain!

funny pic of the week - R

I know that who ever wrote this had english as a second language but come on! how did this get so screwed in translation? Maybe it is actually the correct translation?

An Unsettling Poem - by Jon

Here I sit before electric light
Baffled and muddled upon this sight
A note of history recorded on my bar
This set my mood and emotion off par
For now I realize, crinkled and tossed
Evidence of self abuse, and something lost
But if incidentally the course and intention untrue
A splash or sputter upon my keyboard it flew
One click on the mouse, one stroke of a key
My flesh now defiled, my spirit debris
And this becomes my realization today:
There is a price when my roommates use my computer to play.

The Game - Ryan's Version

Hey folks,
Just to let you know in advance, this is a post for the guys. Not to exclude the ladies, its just that i cant really give advice to girls, i simply woo them with my inescapable charm. So in short, I thought i would help all you guys out with some indispensable tips on picking up the ladies.

The Problem

Here's a scary fact= Women are getting more powerful, and are almost as equal as us men. If you thought it was scary when they started wearing pants, just think about when they come for our jobs.




Solution:

Some say you should walk over and talk to girls if you like them. Please dont be fooled by this. The girl will eventually find you and be drawn to you. Ideally, you want to look like Aragorn but you have to look at your muscules also. Here is a perfect example of this :



After she is with you, assert your dominance by constantly showing off your power. Hit stuff/people while your walking with her/ Bang a table if your sitting Etc. Also, you should shout abuses at those who you know are weaker than you. This should keep her uncomfortable at the very least, and at most she will already be leaping into your pants. Keep it cool big guy that was a joke.. its not going to be that easy. What you need to do next is what The Game calls a "close".
I know sometimes its hard to break away from the tough guy routine, however to close early you need a good story of how you were abused or you just got out of a tough relationship. This should get her ol' emotions going and your pretty much set.

If that doesent work there is still always a bat and duct tape.

Good luck gents!

4 Writters - by Ryan

We have all talked about how handsome our words are, but how handsome are the men behind these handsome words? Our supporters grow every day, so I thought i would give you all a glimpse behind the everyday masquerade of fantasy and show you every one of us, and perhaps what we do from time to time. Don't worry, the background might be photo shopped but our faces are untouched Michelangelos.
Enjoy

-Ryan

My first post in some time - by Jon

burd turd

Alfred Hitchcock is on to us.
His damn movie has let the humans know how deliciously evil we are.
Our second coming is near.
Our hour is nearly at hand.
Victory is nea...you get the point.

Your fiery boom sticks cant match our sheer numbers once our delicious chicken cousins are freed from your prisons.

And after you are overwhelmed, I cant wait to eat all your eyes...

this is our chant..(final draft still in progress)

bom bom bom
peck peck squish
peck peck squish
eatin your eyes is a mighty fine dish

- Alcoa Albatross ryan


Human attack
- thanks for posting this Calvin Cassowary!
-just loved the part where the human almost died!



Bible THUMPer
- Susan Swan, great neck attack however the human talk is boring, he should be doing more dying than speaking.

Keep up the efforts my friends!

Top ten things I like about revolving doors -- Brody the Writter

10. They allow a greater amount of people to pass through

9. They prevent drafts and isolate noise from entering a building

8. They make your business establishment, or house, look prestigious

7. They attract Japanese tourists and also elderly German ladies

6. If you decide not to exit at the other end, and continue to walk in a circle, you will go back in time, to the point in time just before entering the door. After doing this it's a good idea just to walk straight through the door normally, cause you look like an idiot when you walk in circles, drawing unwanted attention to yourself

5. They smell nice

4. They promote growth in the glass making industry

3.5. They promote growth in your testicles

3. If you are stronger than other passer-throughs, it allows you to trap them in a glass prison. (eg: If you are walking through with your weak girlfriend who is not one of those horse-piss-injecting body builders. Or... if she is stronger than you, then you can persuade her to have children, go up to the hotel room, poke her, wait nine months, teach your infant to speak and understand humiliation, come back to the revolving door, walk through with your all too powerful lady, wait for your feeble and sensitive child to enter, then BAM! lock'em in, and feel like a god)

2. Les Français ne comprennent pas encore la porte et il fonctionne comme un outil parfait pour les clients de filtre

1. When a group of people enter a building through a revolving door, the last person through is a tool must verbally yell out that they are a tool. This is a sacred rule of the revolving door and must be strictly followed and respected. It is also the thing I like most about la porte tournante.

Do yourself a favor

At work or school, take a nap on the toilet.

link

Also, life can be lived through the newspaper.

Austin returns to the silver screen- Ryan the Writter

Austin has appeared in numerous works on screen including "Paranoia", "Please keep the Bees ( off my knees)", and "WOAH" the musical. His success comes from his ability to make normal social situations into awkward/weird ones (hilarity often ensues).

Today Austin is sitting in a study section at his school. Austin can normally handle this, however a group of nursing students has just walked in and sits next to him.
Audience says "Ooooooh", applauds and cheers
Not wanting to look like a loser, Austin quickly switches his website from Magic the Gathering to a pornsite, so as to make his masturbation seem normal.
The audience eagerly waits and watches as one of the nursing students looks over
"Oh my God! is that kid jerking off?" one of the future nurses states bluntly (and stupidly given that Austin was not exactly hiding his horrendous habit)
The others look over and have mixed reactions of laughing, vomiting, and running away.
Audience applauds with laughter
Austin simply states "oops, i did it again!"
audience laughs before cut scene

Post Script= Austin will not be returning to the screen the disappointment of some and the relief of most.

My eyes burn like mamas din din -- Brody the Writter

My eyes are burning like mamas dinner
ouch

Who will stop this madness, who will pee on the jellyfish sting
Who will pay the parking stall attendant so we can all go home
Who will scoot over on the couch so I can sit down

There's a Baby carriage rolling down the street
I would stop it, but my eyes are burning and I can't see very well

Lockerroom erotica

This is a section from my up and coming book "The sexy life of Ryan, with sex"

It was approaching 9pm, and Ryan was almost done work. He only needed to sweep the squash courts and cash out before returning to his house to watch House. It was going to be a good night indeed. After doing his clean up routine he was almost out the door when he realized he had not cleaned the locker rooms.
"Fuck" Ryan exclaimed, not realizing the literal foreshadowing of his word.
Hastily grabbing the window cleaner and paper towels, Ryan rushed to the locker room to finish the job. On his way to the women's locker room from the mens, Ryan thought he heard a sound, but he quickly dismissed it as something coming from the arena on the other side of the community center.
Ryan opened the door without thinking and was stunned to see a beautiful women stepping out of the shower, totally nude, naked, and without clothing.
Ryan was shocked. Having never seen a naked women before this was incredible, but a women of such beauty (9.8 on the ranking system) nearly made Ryan faint from the loss of blood from his head.
Something strange happened then. The women didnt scream, or run to drop kick Ryan in the head. She just slowly felt around for her towel.
Did she notice me?
Ryan thought as he stood staring at the beautiful curves of this Goddess. Moments past as Ryan stood with his tent pitched, watching this women dry off.
maybe she knows im here and she likes it? Ryan was in the process of thinking, but just as this was happening Ryan dropped his Spray bottle, and the women looked up.

- Got to get back to school work now but anyone (brody) is free to finish this story off