Scabies Outbreak in Northern Alberta! - Brody the Writter

It's all happening! The outbreak has started and now we're all going to die. It has been foolishly suggested that most people with scabies scratch themselves to death, but this is absolute, absurd, ba-lony. "Scabbers" as they are more commonly known, scratch other people to death. The scabies parasite burrows into a hosts skin and attaches to the brain stem. It then takes control of the person and turns them into blood hungry monsters. Scabbers are easily spotted and should be vigorously avoided. Their eyes are pure blood red with dilated pupils and their fingers eventually fall off so they can grow large claws.

"Day Scabbers" are generally very feeble and pose little threat. If you encounter a Day Scabber you can use any small stick to shoo them away. They tend to be more of a pest then anything else. "Night Scabbers", however, are dangerously sneaky and they have very strong claw muscles. If they don't manage to scratch you to death it won't matter, because just one scratch and you'll become Scabber yourself (in 4-6 weeks).

An investigation into the outbreak traced it back to a single man, Franz Peppers. It's not known how he origanally caught the scabies parasite, but it is known that he frequently uses his towel to whip other men in public showers. Franz refused to be interviewed, but he did tell us it is a huge deal and someone has got to fix this before it's too late.

Thith ith a huge deal and thomeone hath got to fixeth thith before it'th too late, ahhh! (girlie scream)

Photo www.veryworrying.com

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull; pre and post production- By Ryan

Nature Walk and Geography Lessons - Brody the Observer

It's that time of year. Spring, when the flowers are blooming, the ice is melting, deer are humping each other and chewing up peoples gardens, city folk are rushing out into the wilderness to camp, bears are waking up and mauling the city folk, morgues are receiving a high inflow of dead campers.

There's nothing like it, and to enjoy this splendid fruitful bounty of awesome weather, I went for a hike by the river. It was a time of rejoice and renewed optimism for life, which can only last for so long. During my hike I saw many interesting things. I saw things like trees and moss:



I also saw rocks, lots of rocks. Here are some that were stack into an inukshuk:



One of the most amazing things I found, was a rock that was shaped disturbingly similar to the United States. I was a little hesitant to take the rock, because of a deep fear I might be forced to pay financially crippling tariffs, but fortunately no government authorities have tried contacting me yet. Here is the rock, let me know if you agree or disagree that it resembles the U.S.




I labeled the U.S. states to better help represent the similarity:




Striking isn't it?

Here's one more photo showing the U.S. in relation to Canada to help give the photo some sense of scale:

My first post in some time - by Jon

burd turd

Alfred Hitchcock is on to us.
His damn movie has let the humans know how deliciously evil we are.
Our second coming is near.
Our hour is nearly at hand.
Victory is nea...you get the point.

Your fiery boom sticks cant match our sheer numbers once our delicious chicken cousins are freed from your prisons.

And after you are overwhelmed, I cant wait to eat all your eyes...

this is our chant..(final draft still in progress)

bom bom bom
peck peck squish
peck peck squish
eatin your eyes is a mighty fine dish

- Alcoa Albatross ryan


Human attack
- thanks for posting this Calvin Cassowary!
-just loved the part where the human almost died!



Bible THUMPer
- Susan Swan, great neck attack however the human talk is boring, he should be doing more dying than speaking.

Keep up the efforts my friends!

Top ten things I like about revolving doors -- Brody the Writter

10. They allow a greater amount of people to pass through

9. They prevent drafts and isolate noise from entering a building

8. They make your business establishment, or house, look prestigious

7. They attract Japanese tourists and also elderly German ladies

6. If you decide not to exit at the other end, and continue to walk in a circle, you will go back in time, to the point in time just before entering the door. After doing this it's a good idea just to walk straight through the door normally, cause you look like an idiot when you walk in circles, drawing unwanted attention to yourself

5. They smell nice

4. They promote growth in the glass making industry

3.5. They promote growth in your testicles

3. If you are stronger than other passer-throughs, it allows you to trap them in a glass prison. (eg: If you are walking through with your weak girlfriend who is not one of those horse-piss-injecting body builders. Or... if she is stronger than you, then you can persuade her to have children, go up to the hotel room, poke her, wait nine months, teach your infant to speak and understand humiliation, come back to the revolving door, walk through with your all too powerful lady, wait for your feeble and sensitive child to enter, then BAM! lock'em in, and feel like a god)

2. Les Français ne comprennent pas encore la porte et il fonctionne comme un outil parfait pour les clients de filtre

1. When a group of people enter a building through a revolving door, the last person through is a tool must verbally yell out that they are a tool. This is a sacred rule of the revolving door and must be strictly followed and respected. It is also the thing I like most about la porte tournante.

The Lonely Butterfly Hunter

As if the flowers weren't flickering between the flaps of butterfly wings. As if there wasn't time to document the colour pattern. The lonely butterfly hunter removed his rusted white butterfly net in twitching eagerness to catch some ignorant little butterflies. Butterflies.
(Swoosh!)
One swipe of the net and one disappointing miss.
Pathetic butterfly hunter.
(Swoosh!) Pathetic.
(Swoosh!)
Butterfly hunting is difficult and it doesn't help that the butterflies are ignorant.
(Swoosh!)
Yes. The Butterfly hunter all at once stoled three little butterflies from the freedom of their Butter Flight. Three Pathetic Butterflies.
ButterFly hunting is difficult and it helps to use a large lightweight butterfly net.

The butterfly hunter took his butterflies home. He put them in his mixing drum and stirred them into a pulp. It was only natural that he put two slices of bread in the toaster. Then he spread the fly butter on the toast and topped it off with raspberry freezer jam. The spoils of a successful lonely butterfly hunter.

Ok this is a little Bizarre -- Bizarro Brody

Zebras are forming industrialized communities without filling out the proper permits first. They've already started building factories on lands that aren't yet authorized for land development.

An investigation into the ongoing breach of bureaucratic mechanisms led to the discovery that zebras avoided filling out the permits, because they are not high functioning mammals, but rather primitive grazers. Also it appears the factories they are allegedly building consist of only a few small branches a young zebra pushed into a pile.

Whatever the cases be with the situation, the permit filling laws were broken and the consequences must be laid out. All zebras well have to be killed.

Dear Stolby,

It's not so much the cake wasn't good, it's just I've never been the most dedicated fan of cakes. It would please you to know I gave it to my neighbors. I haven't heard any comments back from them, but I am most positive they will return rave reviews. Don't get your shit in a knot. It looked palatable, but that's not reason enough for me to go risking my life shoving a potentially lethal cake down my pampered esophagus. 

Please don't send me any more cakes.

Signed,

--Tokyo Wilson--

Tokyo Wilson

My Internet Connection is Lagging -- Brody the Writter

It's a well documented stereotypical fact that Muslims don't have a lot of sex. It's also a stereotypical fact that when they do have the sex, they make it count. That means they have to buy more bread and ice cream for a bunch of screaming baby mouths to keep them quiet and alive. They also start paying attention to those annoying diaper commercials on the color motion screen (Diaper commercials: the only legal form of child pornography [sick bastards]).

"Come on, What's your point?" the stubborn internet reader interjected annoyingly, while simultaneously picking their nose and smearing it on their keyboard, then quickly wiping their finger off as they realized their actions were being documented.

"I'm fucking getting to it!" I said out loud, seemingly to myself.

A girl code named Nikita recently had me watch this video about how the Muslim culture is going to dominate the world population in the next half century or so. This all because, on average, they fornicate large families and other cultures don't; therefore, by the process of diffusion, they well spread out evenly over the world and smother everyone else. The video is obviously made by a fear mongering Christian, and therefore must be taking with a grain of salt and sugar, yet it's underlying premise is true that Muslims have a high sperm count.

All that I can surmise from the video is that Muslims are hogging all the internet bandwidth in my neighborhood, which is why my connection is lagging. Makes it pretty tough for me to trick internet daters into requesting dates with Rico Speedster (the 6'1" figure skater with an unbuttoned silk white shirt and glazed six-pack, who drives a sexy black 1969 GTO) only to discover it's actually a creepy internet writter with bad grammer and slpelling skills, at which time it would be to late and I could mass produce small copies of myself over nine month intervals.

It's time to start investing in Baby Thong Diapers.

Wanky Blankets -- Brody the Writter

Wanky Blankets
Wanky Blankets
Wanky Blankets

There are Three Wanky Blankets
There are Three
The Wankier The Better

A rock
Another rock
Two rocks spotted
More rocks must exist, but where?

Wanky Blankets and rocks and stuff with things

Dear Carol,


Dinner was amazing. It all smelled so good and tasted so much like it smelled. When I walked into the room the aroma was like a thick fog I had to feel my way through. I'm truly sorry about bumping my hand into your face, but you know as well as I the air was that thick, you couldn't even see in front of yourself. I'm also sorry about your cat, I will replace it as soon as my leg heals. There's a litter of baby cats in the alley behind my house, they look similar to the one you used to have. I'm also sorry about knocking over your lamp and having it smash all over the ground, shattering into tiny little glass bits, which we had to blindly walk over to get to the table. I hope your feet are looking better, and also your head after you knocked it on that counter. Oops. Your face will always be beautiful to me. Very nice dessert too; apples and cheese. I've never heard of that before, is it european? Very different.

When you get out of the hospital you should stop by my apartment. I'm making some tuna salad and would love to feed you for once, I know your probably being spoiled by the nurses right now, but I can make a mean tuna salad and would enjoy your company.



Best re guards,


Ramona Field

Weekly Explosm Comic #5 - Ryan

hey there everyone, its time for explosm!

Guest Post - Timothy Michael Adams

First of all, I would like to thank the generous 'Four Writters' for the opportunity to participate in a guest post. Second of all, I am inebriated to the point of exhaustion and I can no longer further expel the energy to continue further expelling of mi nrergy, and the expoltiozn of my energile is the en of.d zz @..sd


Timothy Adams, PhD Applied Sciences, Advanced Intronomics, and Intrusive Catapults.

douche on the loose -- Brody the Writter

Copper head fag on the loose at local calgary hot dog stands.

It's official: cheap dead beat 32 year old eats hot dog alone as a corporate reject.

... - by Jon

X girls Y cups
Making Rules

LOL - by Jon

Read these from the Onion:
Article 1
Article 2

Weekly Explosm Comic #4 - Ryan

Im severely constrained by this essay which is due tomorrow but look at this dedication, I still have time to post one of my all time favorite comics!

(this one is a bit off)

Weekly Explosm Comic-- #2- Ryan

Are you as excited as i am about this weeks comic?? Awesome! without delay here it is!




http://www.explosm.net/comics/1542/

tyler, we need to talk about your flair== by ryan

STAN
Joanna? Would you come here for a moment, please?

JOANNA
I'm sorry. I was late. I was having lunch.

STAN
I need to talk about your flair.

JOANNA
Really? I have 15 buttons on. I, uh, (shows him)

STAN
Well, ok, 15 is minimum, ok?

JOANNA
Ok.

STAN
Now, it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare
minimum. Well, like Brian, for example, has 37 pieces of flair. And a
terrific smile.

JOANNA
Ok. Ok, you want me to wear more?

STAN
Look. Joanna.

JOANNA
Yeah.

STAN
People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, ok? They come to Chotchkie's
for the atmosphere and the attitude. That's what the flair's about.
It's about fun.

JOANNA
Ok. So, more then?

STAN
Look, we want you to express yourself, ok? If you think the bare
minimum is enough, then ok. But some people choose to wear more and we
encourage that, ok? You do want to express yourself, don't you?

JOANNA
Yeah. Yeah.

STAN
Great. Great. That's all I ask.

JOANNA
Ok.

My point Tyler is that your not putting on enough flair. post something of value.

bonus for who can name the movie that this is from first